New "Clutch that Matey!" IV

Hmm.

Things at work have seemed to have stabalised somewhat. I'm currently working 4 days a week, helping out when I can and earning as much as I can in the hope that by the time my next paycheck rolls in, I can get some things I wanna get.

I dunno. I've been thinking about her for a while now, and as before I know I'm thinking too much. Oh, don't worry guys, you don't know who this person is. Anyway, she's a nice girl who I must say is kind of monosyllabilistic. It's kind of weird whenever I speak to her on msn, which is a rarity.

I guess my thoughts have ranged over her way too often. Even my supervisor caught a certain 'distance' in my eyes, and asked me if I was thinking about her. I evaded it rather skilfully I suppose... because I never mention her in anyway unless my supervisor brings her up.

It was just a few bits of the dinner we shared between ourselves during the farewell session of Chef Foo and John, the feeling of her shoulder leaning into mine as they told us to sqeeuze together to take a picture. The bus ride back and her unmistakable smile.

She's a nice person, but I will never be with her. I know and understand why: she probably feels I'm below her or something because I'm still in poly struggling with my dead-beat job and groaning under the pile of projects just beckoning to me. Now she has her sights set on Uni, all the better for me to just fade into her past and be forever forgotten. Where I belong.

I might be seeing her soon. Will I be just the guy who used to be her colleague, or will I just be the guy waiting in line? Cruel as it may be, but I have not intention of letting myself become disappointed. I'm going to let the Lord take cae of this one.

Sometimes I wonder if my limited contributions at work will be noticed. As it is, most of my colleagues hold me in a certain level of esteem, as much as I see them as individuals who are trying their best to make ends meet. I'm not better, you know? I've got so much to learn and I really like most of my colleagues at work.

When every little smile I give is reciprocated, I just feel glad that for once I have made a difference. I go about sometimes wondering if I have ever made a mark in anything. The people whom I have brought together to play music have been split up because I told them I wanted to focus on my academic pursuits.

Once in a while I help people out with their 3D modelling problems, and most of the time I walk away with a hollow feeling because I have no idea if what I have done justifies the need to ask for reciprocation. I don't think I deserve many things in my life, but all I ask for is some space, someone to love and be loved in return.

Is love something which is so hard to just give to people? I wonder if I've given enough to ask for any in return.


Cheers,

Crawldaddy