Status: Unsure

Hmm.

A while back, my bassist and I were chatting on msn, and he asked me:

K: "Errik, do you have a gf?"

CDD: "No. Why?"

K: "Do you feel lonely?"

CDD: "Umm.. sometimes lah, wassup? LOL u got someone to introduce?"

K: "Well I was thinking... people like Clapton, Hendrix, Page... they all started out lonely, but when people got to know them, the world was laid out at their feet"

CDD: "Truth to tell man, I dare not think so much about it. What will be will be I guess."


What is my purpose on this earth? There has to be a certain reason why the big dude upstairs has allowed me to continue on this path of musical exploration and development for so long. Sometimes I pray for a clear answer... something that allows me to work towards, but I don't think I have seen it yet. I have the passion, I have some sense of vision, but somehow I need to work harder to realise my hopes of being well.. a true rock musician?

Over the past month, my contacts in the local musician scene has expanded somewhat, more often than not due to my continued involvement in musicians' forums. I try and keep my head down, work hard in getting the stuff together, and yesterday was a real triumph for me because the fellows I have been trying so hard to bring together have finally congregated in one space, jammed together and after that, sat down and had a good long chat. It really brings great joy to my heart to see some of the hard work pay off after slogging so hard to find a group of people who share a common time, a common vision, a common effort.

I also feel a stonger sense of community at work, where my colleagues and I are so much more at ease with one another. Contrast that with the situation at school, where my classmates chose to not fill me in on a class gathering outside of school. Imagine how I felt when I found out. I had put in the effort to try and gel with my classmates, but still they just throw my goodwill out of the window. Is it so hard to just change a mindset and forgive and forget? I know that I have done my part, and if they refuse to do so, well I guess it's their choice. I cannot force people to accept who I am, for what I am and how I am as a person.

This is the reason why I chose to not invite anyone from my class to my birthday, and which was the subject of one too many quarrels with my folks. They kept insisting on me to invite a least a few people, but I resisted because it would be a move of political correctness and an effort of futility. Their mindset is that I'm this unforgiving, uncompromising, ang-moh-ish fellow who cannot care less about their interests. Irony is that I feel the same way in return, albeit not in such a childish and shallow manner. I now feel indifferent towards their falseness when it comes to being around them in school. Their behaviour has been so fake that I cannot help but just play along so that everyone looks happy on the outside.

Call me an arsehole, but why should I make anymore effort? Must I devote so much energy and time so that I can fit into a crowd that I do not belong in? Many a time I find my style of a one-man band such a powerful thing: it's just me, my guitar and my voice. Take it or leave it. You have a choice.


Cheers,

Crawldaddy